By Dr. TinkleBecause I'm a doctor with an expert knowledge of "rude things", I have been asked to write a page all about "oogie-boogie" for this Magic Schoolbook. Many of you have special programs running on your computers which stop you reading pages with rude words in them, so I have had to be very careful not to use any. Most of this is about the "anatomical furniture" which people have "down under", or to put it more simply, it's all about pencils and pencil sharpeners and the story of where babies come from.
indentWe should begin by exploring what men (and boys) have "downstairs", and then we'll look at what ladies (and girls) have. A man normally has a tickling stick at the front, a sack of potatos (with two tiny potatos in it) slightly further down, and a thunder hole round the back. The tickling stick has a rain hole at the end of it which can be used for watering plants. A woman has a tickle hole at the front instead, a thunder hole at the back, and I'm told there's also a rain hole somewhere underneath, though I've never actually seen one. I'd better make sure about that though: just a minute while I go and explore a nurse...
Well I never! I've obviously been badly misinformed: that nurse had a massive tickling stick, a sack of two large potatos and a very loud thunder hole! This really is quite distressing! I must discuss this with my colleague, Dr. Foster...
Ah! Worry not: problem solved! Dr. Foster and I have just examined another twenty nurses, and they do indeed have a tickle hole at the front, a thunder hole at the back, and a rain hole in between. I can only assume that the first nurse I looked at was a man: these things happen sometimes. Okay, so now that we have a picture of the geography down under, we can start to think about what all this has to do with oogie-boogie.
indentThe man's tickling stick is used to tickle the lady's tickle hole, and the idea is that it goes right inside it. Once there, it can get so excited that it goes off with a loud pop, and some tickle juice is shot out of it, right into the lady. The tickle juice can contain millions or microscopic "tadpoles", and if one of these meets up with an "egg" (not the kind with a shell that you might find in the fridge, but a microscopic, soft, see-through, bubble-shaped blob), then the tadpole can swim into the egg and turn it into a baby, though it then takes nine months for the baby to grow big enough to be born. So, men make tadpoles, and ladies make eggs: put them together and you can make a baby.
indentA lot of parents don't want their children to know anything about this oogie-boogie stuff because they are embarrassed about the tickling they had to do in order to have children, but this is a bad mistake: their children often get the wrong idea about the whole thing because they hear all manner of disgusting stories in the playground which are far worse than the truth, and many of them end up believing that the thunder hole is used instead of the tickle hole! Of course, the way animals do oogie-boogie only adds to the confusion, for many children see dogs doing it and assume that the thunder hole is the target, but it most certainly is not: the only thing that should ever go up there is a vet's thermometer. You have probably heard that some men fall in love with other men instead of ladies, and it may be that they were confused about this hole business when they were young: if they believed that thunder holes were involved, then how were they supposed to understand the important difference between men and ladies?
indentAnyway, that's oogie-boogie explained, but if you are a girl, there is something else you should know. Children obviously don't do oogie-boogie, but at some point they become adults and things change. When girls start producing eggs, they occasionally leak blood from their tickle hole, but it's actually mainly water and it's no worse than a nose bleed. It's important that you expect this to happen at some stage, because one girl who hadn't been warned about this was so scared when it happened to her that she killed herself, not realising that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her and that very little blood is actually involved. You can expect it to start happening in your early teens, though many girls reach this stage much earlier, in some cases at as young as eight years old. You should talk about this with your mother, or the nearest thing you have to a mother: don't wait till it happens, because it's far better to discuss it in advance and to plan for how you're going to cope (you'll need special things to catch any leaks - you may have seen some of them in adverts on television).
indentThe other important thing for you to know about is disease. When a man tickles a lady with his tickling stick, there is a danger that one of them may pass a dangerous disease to the other. There is very little danger if the man is married to the lady and neither of them have ever tickled anyone else, but if they aren't married they are taking a big risk, because people who do oogie-boogie without getting married first are likely to be the kind of people who do oogie-boogie with lots of different people: they are the kind of people who spread diseases around, and some of these diseases can kill. A few of the diseases that don't kill will stay with you for the rest of your life, and they aren't at all nice. Others will not only put your life in danger, but your children may be born with these diseases as well. A balloon-like device (invented by a monk called Connor Dominic) can be used to prevent the spread of such diseases, but they sometimes burst (as a great many nuns who met Connor Dominic learned to their cost), but even so, you should always use such a device if you find youself unable to resist the temptation when you grow up. The best way to tell if it is safe to do oogie-boogie with someone you are not married to is to suggest doing it without using a Connor Dominic device: if they agree to this, then you'll know not to touch them with a barge pole. Other danger signs to look for are tattoos, piercings and shaved heads: it may be controversial to say this, but I see them in my clinic every day. Also beware of boys with fast cars (who are clearly reckless), and girls with noticeable makeup, the worst obviously being the ones with red lipstick who look as if they've been feasting on blood, though you should also be wary of the ones who look as if they have rabies (lip gloss), and the ones who have orange or pink lips coloured like the stuff that repulsive children throw up on busses during school trips. If you're a girl who likes using such things on your lips, be aware that you will only attract the kind of boys who like slime.
If you can, you should avoid oogie-boogie until you are married, and don't be in too great a rush to get married either. When you marry someone it is vital that your ambitions are compatible. Don't marry based on the wrong kind of love: one kind of love is when you fancy someone and want to do oogie-boogie with them, but that is not the kind of love which will last - you have to love them as a person and be sure that you will want to stay with them long after the flames have died down. Discuss all the things they dream of doing with their lives and all the things you dream of doing with yours: make sure that they don't have to give up their big ambitions in order for you to achieve yours, and make sure that you don't have to give up yours for them either. If you get this wrong, it will tear your marriage apart, and it will leave you in a terrible mess if you have children. Once you have children, they will become the purpose of your life, so your most important ambition of all should be to create a family which will want to stay together, and always keep in mind that there is no success in any field that can satisfy you as much as being part of a family that remains united: once you have a family, family must always come first, and you will owe it to your children to try to be the best mother or father to them that you possibly can be. Plan your life carefully around that thought. Don't marry a smoker, and don't be a smoker either: it will damage your children. Beware of girls who use nail varnish: healthy nails look infinitely better than painted ones, so the paint is a sign that they may have been smokers, but in any case there has to be something not right in the head with anyone who wants to go round looking as if the ends of their fingers are bleeding. Yuck!
It is also important to avoid having unplanned babies. Again the Connor Dominic balloon is a useful device, but it can fail, and many people are too stupid to use them in the first place. There are pills which girls can take before oogie-boogie and pills which can be taken for up to four days afterwards which can prevent babies being formed, but they do nothing to stop you catching diseases. The type designed to be used before oogie-boogie should be used by people who are married but who aren't ready to have children yet, while the pills designed for taking after oogie-boogie are intended either for people who have had nasty accidents with balloons or who have made the silly mistake of doing oogie-boogie without using a balloon in the first place, but bear in mind that these pills don't always work. Again I must strongly advise you not to get involved in oogie-boogie at all before you are married: it is not only the safest option, but your marriage will also be more stable if your wife or husband is the best oogie-boogie partner you've ever had, and they're unlikely to be as good at it as people who have practised with dozens of slimy, disease-ridden slostihodes.